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Everything’s on the edge
Of falling into a black hole
Falling out of my control
I think I’ve reached the end
Of holding it all together
Of pulling at worn out puppet tethers
Halted mid-spiral
By a small voice who’s been there
Come, and take it if you want it
Ain’t nobody holding hostage
The peace of mind that belongs to you
Here, it’s all yours for the taking
Let go and make space
Open hands, let peace come to you
But haven’t you looked outside?
The fascists are ascending
Disaster is impending
So how can I sleep at night?
The world is a burning boulder
It’s crazy to take it on my shoulders
I’m useless for change
If my spirit is broken
Come, and take it if you want it
Ain’t nobody holding hostage
The peace of mind that belongs to you
Here, it’s all yours for the taking
Let go and make space
Open hands, let peace come to you
Clutching has cut off my bloodstream
I’m dying for nothing
Control is seductive
I’m letting go
Come, and take it if you want it
Ain’t nobody holding hostage
The peace of mind that belongs to you
Here, it’s all yours for the taking
Let go and make space
Open hands, let peace come to you
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2. |
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Can I be real with you for just a minute
It’s my sense our near future could be diminished
If there’s something I could do, I already did it
We’re at the limit
It’s like a sandstorm coming
A gradual consumption
And baby, there’s no outrunning this cloud
Already can’t see much, the sun’s rubbed out
All systems have succumbed, shut down
For the sandstorm
The danger was imprecise when it was distant
We bought a little time with our persistence
The dust is now in my eyes; it is explicit
How it’ll get us
It’s like a sandstorm coming
A gradual destruction
And baby, there’s no outrunning this cloud
We’ve already lost touch, the sun’s rubbed out
All systems have succumbed, shut down
For the sandstorm
And baby, there’s no outrunning this cloud
And I can’t see how this will fall out
Take cover with me, quick get down
For the sandstorm
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3. |
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My fear is looking for who to blame
A lit match ignites an angry flame
And when reduced to a smoldering
It wants a hot flash of rage like kerosene
What’s the harm
If the fire keeps me warm?
The catch is
The kindling is my spirit
In the end
I never burned anything down
Only myself
From the inside out
In the end
I didn’t keep safe from the fallout
It ate me away
From the inside out
The inside out
The inside out
I hold it close like an enemy
A fool’s cover against uncertainty
Wrapped in a shadow that only grows
It is a cheap comfort, this devil that I know
I wear despair
Like a buffer from what’s out there
The catch is
It’s smothering my spirit
In the end
I never burned anything down
Only myself
From the inside out
The inside out
In the end
I didn’t keep safe from the fallout
It ate me away
From the inside out
The inside out
The inside out
Oh oh oh
I’ve got to let go
The tighter I hold
The more it’s out of control
Oh oh oh
I’ve got to got to let go
The tighter I hold
The more it’s out of control
In the end
I never burned anything down
Only myself
From the inside out
In the end
I didn’t keep safe from the fallout
It ate me away
From the inside out
The inside out
In the end
I never burned anything down
Only myself
From the inside out
The inside out
The inside out
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4. |
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I went to a war
That I knew I couldn’t win
I know ‘cause I’ve gone before
And it always
Comes to the same end
I march out alone
It’s not bravery, it’s panic
A contest for control
Where I have none
Perpetually vanquished
Pick your battles
Little soldier
Cause when it’s futile
Your heart gets colder
It gets colder
I don’t wanna fight no more
I can’t take another losing score
I’ve taken up arms in the wrong war
And I don’t want this fight anymore
I’m deployed with the truth
And I come back a cynic
Tell me whose position improves
While I keep confirming
There’s no way to win this?
Pick your battles
Little soldier
Some are not meant
For only your shoulders
That’s just torture
I don’t wanna fight no more
I can’t take another losing score
I’ve taken up arms in the wrong war
And I don’t want this fight
I don’t wanna fight no more
I can’t take another losing score
I’ve taken up arms in the wrong war
And I don’t want this fight anymore
Pick your battles
Little soldier
Cause when it’s futile
Your heart gets colder
Pick your battles
Little soldier
Some are not meant
For only your shoulders
That’s just torture
I went to a war
That I knew I couldn’t win
I know ‘cause I’ve gone before
And it always comes to the same end
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5. |
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I’ve been pushing
This mountain
Like I can move it
Unbound by the limits of physics
Suffering is born from
The difference
Between what just is
And how I wish things would be
Well it might be raining
I’d rather it be dry
But it’s crazy-making
To try and fight the sky
I think it could save me
To be with what is
Just be with what is this time
All of the badness
I can’t get off my mind
That shouldn’t have happened
You can’t go back in time
It eases the anguish
To be with what is
Just be with what is this time
It doesn’t mean giving
A thumbs-up
To everything that’s fucked up
I’m just freeing myself from judgment
Cause I have missed so much of
Life’s gifts
Not being present to what is
And that’s one thing I can fix
So it might be raining
I’d rather it be dry
But it’s crazy-making
To try and fight the sky
I think it could save me
To be with what is
Just be with what is this time
All of the badness
That torments my mind
It shouldn’t have happened
You can’t unravel time
It eases the anguish
To be with what is
Just be with what is this time
The mountain
Is a mountain
So I’ll be
I’ll be a river
I’ll be the river
I’ll be with what is
Well it might be raining
I’d rather it be dry
But it’s crazy-making
To try and fight the sky
I think it could save me
To be with what is
Even all of the badness
I can’t get off my mind
That shouldn’t have happened
You can’t go back in time
It eases the anguish
To be with what is
Just be with what is
Just be with what is this time
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6. |
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This day will be etched into my history
A hinge on which everything will change
There’s my life
Before this moment
And my life
Moving forward
That’s defined
Only by my will to be brave
Watch as I leap over
To the other side
With failure on the line
But I won’t fail myself this time
I’m not fearless
No one is who makes this flight
It’s all sweat and butterflies
When showing up for your life
It’s only myself now that could stop me
Just me and the snakes inside my head
Don’t look down
The drop is endless
All around
Critics, relentless
Drown it out
And choose your life before you’re dead
Watch as I leap over
To the other side
With failure on the line
But I won’t fail myself this time
I’m not fearless
No one is who makes this flight
It’s all sweat and butterflies
When showing up for your life
There is no love without exposure
There is no daring that is safe
But I’m not turning back, I’m not turning over
The power I have to change
What I can change
Watch as I leap over
To the other side
With failure on the line
I’m not fearless
No one is who makes this flight
It’s all sweat and butterflies
When showing up for your life
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7. |
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Hold still
Don’t say anything
Listen for the ringing
Tuned for your ears
Don’t run
Be with all you’re feeling
This is the revealing
Of your power within
Don’t be afraid of what you’ll find
When all is quiet inside your mind
The ships arriving on that silent sea
Carry the message of what you need
Keep listening
On the shore of the silent sea
It’s you who knows what to do
Truth is lighting up the avenue
You can trust it
(You can trust you)
Don’t be afraid of what you’ll find
When all is quiet inside your mind
The ships arriving on that silent sea
Carry the message of what you need
Keep listening
On the shore of the silent sea
Listening
On the shore of the silent sea
Listening
On the shore of the silent sea
Hold still
Don’t say anything
Listen for the ringing
Tuned for your ears
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8. |
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That’s right I’m standing tall
Balanced feet on the ground
Open palms by my side
Shoulders back, head high
Breath is easy, deep
Eyes wide to receive
All of what is — I’m ready
Heart strong, beat steady
I know who I am
I know who I want to be
I know I am worthy
Of love, of belonging
And I know that nothing
That happens to me or around me
Can diminish my worth
My wholeness my humanity
Because I am (Standing, breathing, owning, loving)
I am (Balance, healing. know belonging)
I am (Standing, breathing, owning, loving)
I am (Balance, healing. know belonging)
I have choices
I choose actions that align
With my values, my needs
Which I learned from listening
To the song of my own spirit
Finally my ears could hear it
When I released what was not mine
And I owned up to my own life
I know who I am
I know what is good for me
There is nobody but me
Who can take responsibility
I’m not looking
for the path of least resistance
I do the work for the goodness
That affirms my own existence
Because I am (Standing, breathing, owning, loving)
I am (Balance, healing, know belonging)
I am (Standing, breathing, owning, loving)
I am (Balance, healing, know belonging)
And yeah I see you now
You’re all connected to your own power
And it’s drawing me in
Like water attracts water
There’s no higher or lower
Or competing over resources
‘Cause we know how to love ourselves
We are a flood
And holy shit
Isn’t that a total shift?
In this microcosmic scene
You and I, we are dismantling
The ranked system status quo
That oppresses and harms
We’ll make a whole new world
Because you know who you are
And I know who I am
I know who I am
I know who I am
I am (Standing, breathing, owning, loving)
I am (Balance, healing, know belonging)
I am (Standing, breathing, owning, loving)
I am (Balance, healing, know belonging)
I am
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9. |
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Even though I’ve a new script
This play’s not ending with
A happily ever after scene
Already another curtain
Rising on a tragedy
Even before the last is grieved
How many times have you heard me say
Get me off, I want off this train
Thought I could make a great escape
To serenity
But now I know that I’ve got to stay
Inside the struggle, it’s the only way
To move forward
The serenity is within me
Maybe in death the chaos
Fades into endless light
If our myths can be believed
But I’m too in love with living
Through the beauty and the fight
Here in the mess I’ll make my peace
How many times have you heard me say
Get me off, I want off this train
I thought I‘d make a grand escape
To serenity
But now I know that I want to stay
Inside the struggle, it’s the only way
To move forward
The serenity is within me
I’ve got to stay
I want to stay
On this train
I’m on my way
How many times have you heard me say
Get me off, I want off this train
I thought I‘d make a great escape
To serenity
But now I know that I’ve got to stay
Inside the struggle, it’s the only way
To move forward
The serenity is within me
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10. |
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There isn’t any savior on the way
The sky’s about to shatter any day
Here under the cracks, my heart is still
I’ll be okay
Even if a miracle arises
And present tribulations fade to silence
I’d still daily dip into this well
To tend my mind
The hard times will come and go
The darkness may even grow
My heart made this solemn oath
That I’ll be good to me
I know you’d move mountains for my comfort
But finding peace is a quest for one
My feet know these trails in the dark
I’ve already begun
The hard times will come and go
This charge is nobody’s but my own
My heart made a solemn oath
That I’ll be good
I’ll be good
I’ll be good to me
(Hard times go)
(My heart made this solemn oath)
I’ll be good
(I’ll be good)
I’ll be good
I’ll be good to me
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We created and released the first version of this album on Bandcamp, in the order of the album from beginning to end, from March-July 2022. The album is based on journaling prompts that I created to guide myself through a process of reclaiming serenity and agency in the midst of stressful times. The official album version of Good to Me was released everywhere December 2, 2022.
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Everything’s on the edge. I feel it, every day.
In my teeth — I catch myself grinding through the days.
On my skin — pins and needles as I wonder how it’s all going to work out.
If it’s all going to work out.
The relentless, interwoven, swirling chaos we’ve made of the world — none of us needs reminding of the details. But for me, the things that can keep me up at night are some of the more slow-moving disasters: the unfurling catastrophe of climate change and the rise of authoritarianism.
Both of which are fueled by ravenous greed, wicked racism, and self-righteous bigotry; and both of which are contributing to the erosion of democracy and the diminishment of humanity.
So much beyond my control, out of my reach,
way too big for any one person to fix,
and still ... I feel it on my shoulders, crawling up my neck.
Where is the relief?
Where can I find some peace?
And what on earth can I do about any of it?
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A flashback ...
Many years ago, I wandered into a room full of people working on something called “recovery,” because I’d heard there might be some answers there for me — a map to a place where a spiritual calm could overcome the bubbling mess of all the things in my life I’d been desperately trying to control.
The more I tried to control, the more out of control my life became. To the point where my idle thoughts meandered into the perilous territory of “maybe it would be better to not go on at all.”
This group began each of their gatherings with a recitation that goes like this:
“god, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.”
I was not interested in god; but I was desperate for serenity and for change.
For peace of mind, and for the power to participate in my own life — instead of being whipped around by my most reflexive reactions to the people and circumstances around me. And so I stayed, and I listened.
I learned that peace was there for the taking.
And I learned that in order to take it in my hands,
I needed to make space for it.
To let go of all of that which I’d been clutching in white-knuckled fear.
To emancipate my hands
from the snarl of reins I thought would give me power over my life,
but which only ever delivered constant tension and pain.
To release my grip, and to reach for the map to my own peace of mind,
with open hands.
I let go of control, and received in its place genuine agency.
I let go of fear, and received peace of mind.
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This meditation has become a stalwart guide for me in the years since. It is not something I did once way back when and then never again; it is a daily practice for me. A daily choice. A set of tools for which I am so grateful. This practice is responsible for keeping me alive, for empowering me to live my life to the fullest, and for bringing me every bit of joy and contentment I’ve experienced since those early darker days.
And also:
I sense it’s time for me to dive back into it,
in a fresh way, again, a little deeper.
With intention, courage, and rigor, to retrace the journey on that map.
... Because there is so much wrong in the world in this time, about which I sometimes have so much fear, and over which I have no control, the enormity of which often paralyzes me into inaction.
... But I do not wish to succumb to it.
In fact, I believe I can free myself to live at peace in the midst of it.
And — even more — I want to be a part of changing it for the better.
I believe that practicing peace of mind empowers me to do that.
It’s worth mentioning:
This is not a peace that lives in denial of the real struggles that I face.
This is not a peace that ignores or diminishes the troubles of others.
This is not a peace that encourages me to check out, or that absolves me of my responsibility to be part of creating a just and compassionate world.
Rather:
It is a peace that allows me to face it, all of it — with courage.
It is a peace that makes me ready to accept my part in the work to change my life and change the world — with genuine agency.
It is a peace that fuels me to persevere when the struggle gets hard.
Also: this is not a peace that will show up out of thin air.
Rather: this peace of mind belongs to me, and although it requires work, I have the power within me to take hold of it.
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So I’m unfolding the creases of that map that I once studied to save my life, and I’m about to go on a journey.
Over the next several months,
I’m going on an in-depth exploration of the terrain of
... STRUGGLE
… COPING
… POWERLESSNESS
… and ACCEPTANCE
and how those concepts point me toward the experience of
... COURAGE
… LISTENING
… AGENCY
… and SERENITY.
I’ll be looking at all of this through the lens of my own inner life,
and from the vantage point of convergence that my life makes with this particular, perilous time on planet Earth.
I’ll be asking myself tough questions,
digging deep for honest assessments
of my feelings, needs, and motivations,
sorting through what is in my power to change and what is not,
nurturing the practice of letting go of things I can’t control,
making space for serenity,
and cultivating courage to use my genuine agency
to change the things I can.
The end product of my journey (besides all the benefits to my personal lived experience, no doubt!) will be a set of songs and a series of essays that arise from my meditations and practice around each of the concepts I explore on the map. I’ll be sharing those with you here in real time, over the coming months, as I undertake this journey.
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Wanna come along for the ride?
Here's where things could get more interesting: I’d like to invite you to join me on a parallel journey of your own, if you're game for it.
How this will work:
As I move through this process, I’ll periodically send you the set of questions and prompts that I’m working through on each step of my journey. I don’t even know exactly what they will all be yet! I have a general idea, but I intend to allow the process to inform the direction for a lot of this.
Nonetheless … wherever the path leads me, I’ll send you the guideposts I encounter along the way, so that you can take the journey for yourself at the same time.
How to use the prompts:
You can use these prompts to fuel your exploration however you want to. Maybe you’ll journal, or go on walking meditations, or channel your experience into a creative outlet. You can spend 10 minutes, or you can dedicate a longer practice to it — you’re in the driver’s seat for your own experience.
Timeline:
There is not a set timeline for each step of this journey, nor is there a schedule for when I’ll send out the prompts. But if I'm guessing, I'd imagine I’ll be sending something to you every couple of weeks(ish).
Sharing:
If you feel like sharing your discoveries along the way with someone, you can feel free to share them with me or with others; or you can keep it all to yourself. Whatever approach feels right to you, that’s what you should do.
So ... if you'd like to join me:
Please send me an email at skc (at)
shannoncurtis.net, and I’ll add you to my list of fellow travelers with whom I’ll be corresponding more closely as the next several months unfold.
If you’d rather just enjoy the songs I make and essays I write over the next several months, that’s great, too — just keep an eye out here for the new releases we’ll have for you every couple of weeks or so.
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This kind of journey can be intimidating; but I'm choosing to allow my desire for serenity and agency to be my inspiration as I take this leap.
And, as always, this kind of work is very personal and solitary — it will be for me, and if you decide to make your own journey, it will be for you, too. But: knowing that we have openhearted community with us and around us will make us feel supported and loved through it.
So with that … let’s go get some peace of mind and unleash our power to make big changes.
released December 2, 2022
written by Shannon Curtis
published by Shannon K (ASCAP)
produced by Jamie Hill
co-produced by Shannon
conceptualized, programmed, arranged, and performed by Shannon additional programming, synthesizers, and sound design by Jamie
mixed and mastered by Jamie
at Department of Energy Management, Tacoma